Preparation

Motherhood has grown on me.

Or rather, more accurately, helped me grow.

It's the daily interactions with these little people for sure,

but it is also the idea of pregnancy, and the actual pregnancy that has changed me so completely.

I always hate to admit this, but I bawled my eyes out when I discovered I was pregnant for the first time.

My life plan needed some readjustment.

Apparently I didn't learn much that go-round because my lesson was the same the second time that little test was (surprise!) positive.

Instead of crying, I laughed out loud and looked across the room at my 10 month old.

Oh, this would be fun.

And it was. I was getting the hang of it.

I thought I had the lesson down pat...it's important to be flexible, humble, and live with gratitude.

So finally, we planned the third. It was going to be perfect.

Three days after we confirmed the pregnancy, everything changed with employment, and life as we knew it.

Same lesson, just packaged in a different box.

I'm a slow learner.

After Roman was born, I was walking on the treadmill in our basement.

I alternated between looking at my peaceful little newborn who was swinging softly,

and glancing at the trees and grass that were really beginning the transformation to green.

An undeniable, and powerful thought entered my mind.

We were going to have another baby. And it would be a little girl.

Honestly, I felt ridiculous.

Must be the crazy hormones.

I had a newborn, how preposterous to think about another!

A few weeks passed.

But eventually I told David.

He smiled and said he felt the same thing.

The fourth pregnancy has been more difficult for me physically.

This past Sunday was spent trying to ignore contractions that were 2-3 minutes apart.

(I am nothing if not stubborn)

I wore high heels to church, I fed the missionaries, I kept going until finally,

Sunday night we headed to the hospital.

Pre-term labor.

The shot didn't work, but finally, and thankfully, the pills did.

More than once this gestational year I've been brought to tears.

Tired, in pain, fearful, and frustrated.

I try to remember that providently, I knew about this little girl.

And that brings peace, and hope, and makes me pretty darn excited to finally meet her.

Also, I think whatever growth that might have occurred,

has only just prepared me a bit better to be her mother.

And just maybe, that is the point.

(ps. if you've asked... my due date is Sept. 29th...

When I left the hospital Monday morning I was 2 1/2 and 70%...and just trying to make it to 37 weeks.

We shall see!)