Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Preparation

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Motherhood has grown on me.
Or rather, more accurately, helped me grow.
It's the daily interactions with these little people for sure,
but it is also the idea of pregnancy, and the actual pregnancy that has changed me so completely.
I always hate to admit this, but I bawled my eyes out when I discovered I was pregnant for the first time.
My life plan needed some readjustment.
Apparently I didn't learn much that go-round because my lesson was the same the second time that little test was (surprise!) positive.
Instead of crying, I laughed out loud and looked across the room at my 10 month old.
Oh, this would be fun.
And it was. I was getting the hang of it.
I thought I had the lesson down pat...it's important to be flexible, humble, and live with gratitude.
So finally, we planned the third. It was going to be perfect.
Three days after we confirmed the pregnancy, everything changed with employment, and life as we knew it.
Same lesson, just packaged in a different box.
I'm a slow learner.
After Roman was born, I was walking on the treadmill in our basement.
I alternated between looking at my peaceful little newborn who was swinging softly,
and glancing at the trees and grass that were really beginning the transformation to green.
An undeniable, and powerful thought entered my mind.
We were going to have another baby. And it would be a little girl.
Honestly, I felt ridiculous.
Must be the crazy hormones.
I had a newborn, how preposterous to think about another!
A few weeks passed.
But eventually I told David.
He smiled and said he felt the same thing.
The fourth pregnancy has been more difficult for me physically.
This past Sunday was spent trying to ignore contractions that were 2-3 minutes apart.
(I am nothing if not stubborn)
I wore high heels to church, I fed the missionaries, I kept going until finally,
Sunday night we headed to the hospital.
Pre-term labor.
The shot didn't work, but finally, and thankfully, the pills did.
More than once this gestational year I've been brought to tears.
Tired, in pain, fearful, and frustrated.
I try to remember that providently, I knew about this little girl.
And that brings peace, and hope, and makes me pretty darn excited to finally meet her.
Also, I think whatever growth that might have occurred,
has only just prepared me a bit better to be her mother.
And just maybe, that is the point.



(ps. if you've asked... my due date is Sept. 29th...
When I left the hospital Monday morning I was 2 1/2 and 70%...and just trying to make it to 37 weeks.
We shall see!)

14 comments:

Lora said...

Tara this post made me happy, it made me oh so sad/emotional and it made me grateful for the plan we have all been given. I don't know if I will ever actually hold a baby inside me long enough for it to come out safe and happy, but just hearing your experiences make me appreciate the mother God has allowed me to be! Good luck this next little bit-we'll be thinking and praying for you and this beautiful little girl who is so anxious to get here! xo

Tish said...

♥ I can't wait to see the newbie! Hang in there mamacita! 37! 37!

Claire said...

I think you're a beautiful writer...so poignant. Love you and your cute fam! please let me know what I can do to help you when this little baby makes her debut!

Janet Johnson said...

Loved this post, too! I'm rooting for you to meet 37 weeks. :) And isn't personal inspiration amazing? It brings me back from the brink when I think I can't handle any more.

Christy said...

this is so neat, tara. i loved reading your thoughts, and am so happy that you will soon be able to meet your little girl! my most recent ultrasound due date was september 29th (my actual due date is oct. 3rd), but i'm pretty sure you'll be having your baby before i have mine. :) good luck with everything, sorry about the pre-term labor, and we'll be thinking happy thoughts for 37 weeks. yikes, can you believe it's coming so soon? gives me butterflies, for myself and you! :)

Nicole said...

Best wishes to you and your new little girl, Tara! And oh what a lucky girl she will be!!!

Jenny said...

So excited for you and your family! Love your writing! Always look forward to new posts from you! :)

dixonfamily said...

Preterm labor is LAME!! We'll be praying for you to make it a couple more weeks. I can't wait to see pictures of another little Painter!! I hope you get to sit down and put your feet up, Tara.

Isaura said...

how exciting for your family! you are super mom, and you wore heels to church ;) your little one will love the her sophie teether. i got one for my nephew when he was younger and he loooooved it. much love to your family!

Tiffany said...

I love reading your blog, you have the best attitude and are so positive. I feel terrible we haven't hung out very much, I always think, "I need to call Tara soon..." Sorry to hear about your preterm labor, we wish you luck and hope everything works out great. I'm sure it will. :) September 29th is Ryder's due date and bday. Can't wait to see your sweet little girl.

Unknown said...

Tara I just have to say that I love checking in and reading your blog. Your thoughts are such a joy to read. Good luck with 37 weeks...fingers crossed!! Can't wait to see pictures! BTW- we are having a little girl too. :)

Jamie and Kiley said...

I am so excited for you! Good luck!

Nicole said...

i'm so excited to see pics of your new little one... good luck!!! :) your family is so precious!

A Beautiful Mess said...

Congrats on your 4th little bundle of joy! Praying you hold off until 37 weeks! :)