Thursday, October 9, 2008

Bitter and Sweet

The following story most certainly does not paint the prettiest picture of me, or my mothering skills. But I'd like to record it, because it has made such an impact. It's been a little rough around here the past month or so. So many things. To give myself credit, sometimes, I feel blessed with the patience of a saint. Maybe it is from my years of teaching...no matter your anger, you just CAN'T get mad...you find ways to deal. Throw things, break things, hurt your sibling, scream in public and I will calmly address the situation. Which is why it is always so disappointing that the times I truly loose my cool, it is usually about something minor. It's just me...my own stresses that betray me. And it was one of those days a few weeks ago. To be perfectly honest, I can't even remember the infraction, it was so insignificant. But I found myself yelling at Zachary. Mean mom face...shouting...threatening words...squeezing his arm... menacing. When I take myself back to that place, I recognise I just FELT out of control. And then it happened. Zach looked up at me with the saddest expression, and as calmly as he could he said, "Mom, please don't talk to me like that." pause. ton of bricks. I heard the Lord's voice. No really, I can't adequately describe the feeling that what Zach said was actually a message from the Lord. I quickly apologized and sent him from the room. I sat on my bed to cry. I felt the full weight of my responsibility, and sometimes failure, as a mother. And almost as instantly as I had been rebuked, a peaceful feeling came over me. Words fail. But I was taught again about my Heavenly Father's love for me individually. I felt his approval of my offerings as a mother, and His patience with my shortcomings. Because of His Son, I can try over and over again. It was a whirlwind of emotion, but in the end I felt hopeful, encouraged and loved. Just a little lesson for the day from my Heavenly Parent. The kind of lesson that I too, hope to pass on to my little charges.

16 comments:

The Rylanders said...

ah, just what I needed to hear today. I know Heavenly Father sometimes speaks to me through my friends. Thank you.

Holbrook's said...

thanks for that! Isn't it amazing how the Lord speaks to us?!

K2 said...

Its so wonderful that you can write what you are really, really feeling on your blog. I think you are a great mom and don't we all have our days though? Thanks for your honesty about being a mom. Even though I'm not one I know its hard work and sometimes no one will just say so. Glad you said so. And what a great lesson to learn. Heavenly Father DOES know how it feels to parent..times a jillion! I think you rock. Love you.

Sean and Janet said...

Am I still teaching?......Long story, but the answer is yes and no.
Yes I am teaching, but not elementary age kids. I work now as an instructor of online internet classes on eBay, finding products to sell on eBay, website building, and optimizing the website you have built for search engines. Sometimes I teach groups of 50 at a time online, they see my screen on their computer, and they call in to an 800 number to hear my on their phone. It's kind of fun, but I REALLY miss the kids.

Zachary said...

Thank you Tara. I definitely needed to hear that myself. I'm glad I'm not the only one who has those moments where my child is the one putting me in my place. Love ya! You are the best mom!

Haney family said...

tears. as I'm thinking (sobbing) about this the radio is playing a song about a father's love. More tears. My kids also saw that mean mommy face today. Your right it is always the littlest things that make you lose your cool. Good for you for recognizing the moment for what it was and the amazing impact on your life. Thanks for reminding me.

Whit said...

sweet, sweet story. I wish i could relate (give me a few years to catch up!) But I am tutoring for a 3rd grade class and I can already feel my patience being tested. How about a baby screaming 24/7?!!! Props to you and all the other momma's out there! I love mine to pieces and I know your kids feel the same about you!

the boyd family said...

i love this post. thanks for sharing that! i really liked your words of having the Lord's approval with your offering as a mother, and patience with you individually. and that you can just try better next time. i never thought of it like that, i always just feel like a horrible yelling mother who needs to become more patient. and i end up feeling really bad and guilty. i like your way better, it's more hopeful and positive. thanks again.

Isaura said...

Tara, this is a sweet story. I too am at awe with Heavenly Father's patience with us as His children. You got the mean mom face; I sometimes can get the mean wife mouth and can feel really guilty too. How things change when everything is put in a more humble perspective, especially that of a child.

Mikki said...

Such a sweet post.
I came here via Nicole's blog. She recommended this post for other mothers to read. It's a great reminder of so many things. I have those days often, and usually end up feeling horrible about them--I appreciate your honesty, and the experience you had after this episode. It's good to remember our Father loves us so much, and that we get to keep trying to get it right.
I love your blog, it's beautiful!

Frau Bailey said...

From the mouth of babes...
We must become as the little child...
What a powerful reminder. Thanks for sharing that spiritual experience.
Love you!

dixonfamily said...

I'm so glad you have less than perfect mom days too. I am certain that the only way I can become like my Heavenly Father is through the experiences of parenthood. Kids really teach some great lesson to us adults. It makes me feel so blessed and lucky to be able to have kids.

Christy said...

what a sweet story! and don't worry, i think we all have those moments when we're the "mean mommy." i've always been really impressed with how patient you are with your kids.

Sher said...

Thank you for sharing, and for your perspective. Mikki sent me over to you, after reading on my blog about my little "episode" with my daugther.
I lose my temper ALL the time. It's something I've struggled with my whole life. And my mother always lost her temper with us as kids. I guess it's in the genes.
I need to rethink things the way you do, and hope that I haven't sent my children needing many years of therapy in the future.

Missy said...

I've read this post over and over Tara. It's just that I had one of these exact moments a couple weeks ago, but she ended up saying "Hold Me" instead and I just cried as I put her to bed. It's just these moments that make us better parents. And leave lasting prints on our hearts for the better of them and ourselves.

Thank you for writing it. I wouldn't have been able to put it into words.

Greg said...

I remember 23 years ago I was out in the yard when my very young impressionable little girl came crying to me EXTREMELY upset and hurt that a neighbor friend had taken her tricycle from her. I was anxious, feeling very inadequate, what do I do? How do I help my little girl understand? Then it happened, a wave of peace and clarity came over me. I explained that it was the right thing to do to let him play with her tricycle, that the little boy didn't understand and that Heavenly Father is looking at you right now and is smiling....do you see? My little girl looked up and for what seemed an eternity stared up into the sky. I thought it was a cute little trick but what happened next I will never forget as long as I live. I was overcome with joy and felt as sacred an experience as I've ever had, as I watch my little girl watching Him, I knew I had witnessed....
Tara, as parents our biggest fan, our constant support, our ever vigilant coach is our Heavenly Father. There is NOT a greater work to do for those who are blessed to do so than to raise his children. No one makes more mistakes than a parent, no one forgives more than a little child, and absolutely no one is given more divine assistance to succeed than a willing and patient parent.

God bless you my little girl.

Love,
Dad